I am not going to post after every episode of Huge but I certainly hope I am interesting you all in watching this show. Every episode I wonder where these people were when I was a fat teenager.
On the Huge website, they are running blogs by the characters which offer further insights into who they are and the issues they struggle with. Take these two, one by Wil and the other by Amber.
From Wil’s, after the first episode:
I hope Rand [the camp director] doesn’t think I’m now going to get all gung-ho about camp and start opening up in sharing circle about how I secretly YEARN to shed my fat-cocoon and emerge from this summer a beautiful butterfly. I’m not gonna forget they’re making money off us and everything that’s screwed up about that (like the fact that they even let in girls like A and C with crazy body image issues). That is My Promise To me. I feel like as long as I don’t lose my mind and start obsessing over my OMG FAT (OHNOES), I’ll be alright. It’s not like the exercise can hurt me (except I am sore as hell). And there are a few good things about this place. Ian for one. I doubt I’d meet anyone as cool as him staying at my uncle’s place. Or anywhere. And the girls in my cabin (well, most of them) are pretty okay.
Wil is allowed to be transgressive, to choose not to buy into the fat phobia all around her, even in this camp. This is a very big deal because the cultural climate today would far more likely want her to be miserable and wanting to do anything to get thin. To see a fat character who is not apologizing about herself is actually revolutionary.
And from Amber’s, after the second episode:
Some of the people here are really big. Bigger than I can ever imagine getting. I feel kind of weird around them. I’m not sure what they think when they look at me. Everyone is really nice (except Will obvs), I just feel guilty I guess. For feeling relieved that I’m not that big, and also for feeling like I’d die if I ever was. I don’t get how Will can be the way she is — I mean so proud and not caring about how fat she is. I used to think it was an act, but I’m not sure anymore. My biggest fear used to be that I’d start believing what my mom says, that I’m not really fat, and that would be worse because then I’d be a fat girl who didn’t know it. But it’s not like Will doesn’t know. She just doesn’t care.
Amber is far more like we expect such girls to be. Notice that she is careful to note that there are girls fatter than she is and her anxiety about what it would be to be fat and not know. She is the one girl in the group who can pass in both the fat and the thin world. And in episode 3, we see her silent struggle not to sell out and betray the group she actually belongs to when several kids from another camp think she is one of them rather than one of the fat kids. Her dialogue with herself in this diary excerpt is no doubt familiar to anyone who has been in her position.
For myself, at least just for me right now, I am working on a long piece, personal reflections on fat and musing about its meaning. Here is one of the thoughts I am working with --
To cast or project blame is to protect ourselves from our own shadow. We stand in the place of righteousness, and fail to acknowledge those aspects of ourselves hidden in our own shadow. The scapegoating of another person or group allows us to feel guiltless, atoned. It inoculates us against blame. Now unburdened, we can turn to our ego ideal and reestablish our place among the chosen. We are then free to place goodness in one corner (ours) and malevolence in another. Only when we catch ourselves stepping into a righteous, one-sided stance are we in a position to begin to observe our own shadow. This is a very painful thing to do. Why would we do this? Because what we keep in the shadows, in a place of forgetfulness, turns to symptom. A symptom is an untended memory. It is the voice of a forgotten or banished part of ourselves… Memory is the medicine of the psyche - even, and especially when the memories are dark. - George Callan